Episode 3: Writing A Ritual, Featuring Xenia Rubinos

Xenia: My pandemic began the year before the pandemic. 2019 was my year of complete breakdown. I didn't wanna see people. I was avoiding seeing people. I was kind of like really disembodied in performance. I was on autopilot. I think there were good things that were happening on the stage. There were good things that were happening in the music and in performance, but me, myself was like, she had left the building. Like she wasn't here anymore.

I remember watching some videos of me playing and just being angry, just being really upset, watching myself because I remember how I was feeling inside and how I was performing for everyone else. And how no one would know, no one would ever know what, how I really felt. Right. And so I was like angry.  

And so then all of a sudden in lockdown, I was like, oh, that's not what I meant, but thank you. And you know, like , I was like, and then it was also like everyone was joining me on my level where it was like, who gives a shit if you haven't made something? Who gives a shit? If you don't go to a show? If you didn't go to a party? Like no one. and I was like, sigh of relief, you know?

NARRATION:

They say that every breakdown is a chance to build back up. Every crumbling is an invitation to restore. But how do we do that? How do we feel the ground beneath our feet, how do we find the songs at the root of our being?

Xenia Rubinos is an artist who plumbs those depths. Her wildly flexible voice will guide you through grief and rage, swing you back to joy, and then gently show you the seams that stitch it all together. It’s all there on her latest album, Una Rosa. But this wholeness was not an easy path. It took tragedy, exhaustion and deep reflection for her to arrive. 

My name is Meklit and this is Movement, music and migration, remixed.

Xenia: I think part of me was trying to grieve the loss of my father that I hadn't really, I hadn't really dealt with. During that time the, just the floodgates opened and took me all the way down. And it just exploded into my music.

My dad would sometimes play Rumba in the house. He would also bring me back music sometimes when he would go to Cuba. Bring me like burn CDs of like, he would get on the street. And, one of them was, Los Munequitas de Matanzas which is a like seminal Rumba group from Matanza Cuba. And, you know, it's just like when I would hear it, it would make me feel like I was listening to God. Like it was like,

Meklit: Oh

Xenia: I couldn't explain it. I couldn't just, yeah. It was God, like that music is God. And so, I don't know, it was just in my ear and in, you know, the process of writing new music. I just was playing a lot of Clave. Like I was just singing and playing Clave. 

And that was what I kept going back to, was just making all of these tracks of just voice and clave. And also these Boleros and I, the only thing I would try to write, I was like trying to write new music, but the only thing I would write was like, I would just record old Boleros. Like I would just be singing old Boleros, or I would write introductions to an imaginary Bolero that doesn't exist 

And I went to Cuba to find like this music that I was obsessed with from this Cuban ballet, like I had found online. And it was this, this music that sounded like a mix between like electronic music, classical music played, but with like clave. And I'm like, that's what I want my new record to sound like, you know. So like I went to look for this music that I couldn't find. I went to the archive of the Cuban National Ballet to try to find this music from this documentary. Couldn't find it, never found it. 

But it was kind of like this wild goose chase of trying to reconnect with my father, who I had lost, just reconnecting with this music, you know, and paying homage to it. Ultimately in this record, writing my own Bolero. Writing my own like tragic diva Bolero and like the song Ay Hombre from Una Rosa is that.

MUSIC: Ay Hombre 

Meklit: Can you talk a little bit about singing in Spanish and English? Like does Spanish feel different in your mouth?

Xenia: You know it does!

Meklit: I know. I just wanted you to talk about it.

Xenia: It sure does feel different in your mouth. There's a lightness to the language. I think that English, that has a more kind of like typewriter, kind of like hard, like a lot of start stop. Whereas Spanish has like a roundness to it where words can connect and kind of like meld into each other. I think that like a lot of my subconscious mind that is in Spanish.

 And I noticed that in my writing. Like even when I'm just doing a free write, like I'll notice that a lot of times it will just go into Spanish and I think it has something to do with it being my first language. I, like, when I first started to speak, I was, my father would only speak to me in Spanish. He was like, she's gonna live her whole life in English, so she needs to learn Spanish.

Meklit: Like this last album has more Spanish. Do you feel like that was intentional or was it more coming out of that flow from your subconscious?

Xenia: I gave myself permission to explore this music. I had been, you know, early on I had been fighting to just be heard in the same spaces as my peers and to not be pigeonholed as a Latin artist, just because I'm Latina and just because I happen to be really proud of where I'm from and talk about it. 

So early on, you know, on my second record there was almost no Spanish at all. And still even, even though in that second album I was dealing with jazz and hip hop in R and B and all of this kind of thing, I still was, you know, being categorized as Latin music, which was incredibly frustrating cuz I'm like, what about this rec, what about Black Terry Cat is Latin music to you?

MUSIC: Black Terry Cat

Xenia: It's a different panorama right now, than it was in 2016 even. Right, the music scene is just, it's changed, it's transformed. But, I think I, in order to make Una Rosa, it's like I needed to give myself permission to make it after so long of, after so many years of saying like, I'm not Latin music. Don't call me Latin music. I'm not making Latin mu, and then go ahead, turn around and make my Latin record. Essentially is what happened, you know? So in that way it was intentional.

Meklit: I have to tell you that I am loving Una Rosa, like loving it. And I watched your K E X P live video. God, it's really good.

Xenia: Thank you.

Meklit: I've seen you live and I know, I know about your killer show, um, but you've also really taken it up a notch. Could you talk a little bit about like, the evolution of your live show.

Xenia: Yeah, well, I hadn't played live in years and I knew that when I returned to performance, I needed it to be different. So when I finished the album, or as I was finishing when Rosa I Was and thinking about how to perform it live, it was clear to me that it needed to be about reconnecting in my body, and it needed to be about writing a ritual.

You know, kind of started, little by little, but then I found Yara Travieso’s work online, just on Instagram. Like just luckily, and I was like, blown away. And I saw a lot of myself in her and I was like, man, I wonder, it would be so cool to work with her on the staging. And like, Yara, you know, she stages operas. She's also a film director in addition to choreographer and performer artist herself. 

And I just like, took a shot in the dark, was like, Hey, I don't know you, but like, would you come and have a coffee with me? And at that point my tour was booked and I was like, Hey, it's happening in a couple months, but like, I know this is crazy, but would you write the show with me?

And it was, the idea was to like perform the record in its entirety, in order and create like a healing ritual for me to enter into performance again.

So we weren't like popping and locken, Janet Jackson choreo, but we were, you know, intentionally moving. There was like a motivation for every song, every moment of the show. And that was my first time ever working with a director in this capacity, you know, to design a show that it ultimately we're playing in like rock clubs, you know?

Meklit: Did the healing ritual work,

Xenia: Oof. Honey, let me tell you something. The most important show at the beginning of the tour was like, The first week that we played the show, hometown, show, New York. My first time playing New York in years, like the most important show that we had all been waiting for, preparing for happened, right? We were in Brooklyn.

Everybody that I knew and didn't know, like came to this show. I was so overwhelmed with love. But I just, the community that gathered I was, it was, it meant everything to me. We were so. Soundcheck was like immaculate. 

Everything was looking and sounding perfect. We were so like, yes, we're ready. We did this group huddle. We were, we went out on stage and we're like, yes, and started the show. And from the jump, as soon as we got on stage, we were all like, wait, something is wrong. Something is terribly wrong. with the sound.

We're hearing like some strange thing going on with the playback. I'm like, something is weird, but we just keep going. Second song, all of a sudden the entire PA goes out. Like everything just goes out. The sound goes out. And as soon as everything happened, I was thinking, okay, I see Marco always like scrambling. I see a front of house. I was like clocking everything that was going on. I was like, people, they're gonna fix it. But then it became clear, they're not gonna fix it. This is not being fixed. So now what are you gonna do? Right? 

People, I started feeling the energy of the audience. People were frustrated with the front. They were starting to blame the staff. Like, what are you doing? Like fix the se, you know, whatever. And I immediately, like, something in me was like, yes. Was like, yes, I know exactly what to do. I felt en mi salsa completamente. I felt like in my sauce, I was like, this is my shit. This is exactly what I do. 

And so, I stayed in character and I started singing Boleros. I started singing these old songs and just into the audience I could hear. Then all of a sudden I could hear them singing with me and we ended up all singing together and it was just a super magical moment. Long story short, I ended up performing acapella for 30 minutes just singing into this room.

 But the transformative thing that happened on stage was this thought that came through. A flash. There was this voice that said, any moment that you are not doing this is a moment wasted. And that was, that only happened in the New York show. It was only that one singular moment, you know? And it's like, I really think that it needed to happen. I think that that's what that show had to be, you know?

Meklit: Yes. And that blessed all the other shows.

Xenia: I mean, not to say we didn't have technical difficulties cause we did, but not like that! Thank goodness.

MUSIC: Transition

Meklit: So what has changed? Like can you talk a little bit more about how the environment or the cultural air has changed between 2016 and now for Latin music?

Xenia: Well, the world has gone through quite a bit. Some of the conversations that we're having now, we would've never had about race, about white privilege, systemic racism. We were starting to have them in 2016 in new ways, but now it's like a different, it's a different scene. 

Another thing that happened is Reggaeton went from being underground to being mainstream. You know, Latin artists like Bad Bunny became like the top artist worldwide, globally. I remember, yeah, just like, seeing Bad Bunny unfolding and just being like, my mind was blown. I'm like, I can't believe this is happening right now. 

And it's not, you know what I mean? It's not rocking Espanol, it's not Ricky Martin Vida Loca. It's like, there's a wider platform I guess. And there's like a, a wider acceptance of like, music in different languages and like it's no big deal now for like a Latin artist to be on the cover of Pitchfork or something. But I remember when it was, I remember when it really was. Let alone like a black artist, right? Like, sorry. But it's true. It is really true. Like Indian music's so white, like it was so, you know, it is different. 

And I have complicated feelings sometimes. I, you know, I still feel like there's a lot of tokenization happening. There's a lot. I'm just like, really? Like, I don't know. Some people are funny. I'm just like, I remember you, like in Brooklyn 2013. I know you, and now you out here like, you know, singing a different tune. And I'm grateful, but I'm also like, hmm, interesting.

Meklit: Do you mean like the people who've come around to be your supporters who weren't in the beginning?

Xenia: Maybe not specifically about me, but just in general. Like, who are the artists that they're uplifting and championing and who are they giving a space to, to speak and to to be seen. And cool, I'm glad, like I'm happy for you. But I remember when everybody that was, that you were working with was white. But I'm happy that like, that's not the case anymore you know? Because it's not like all of a sudden there's all these Latin and black artists that they were never, that they weren't there before. We were always been here. That's the thing. So it's interesting. But yeah, it is, it's a different, it's a different scene.

Meklit: There was also, you know, that Arooj Aftab moment was so big too, you know, for someone singing in another language, and having that be like, you know, best new artist. For me that was like, oh, we are in like between Arooj and Bad Bunny. It was like, oh, okay.

Xenia: Yeah, and I think it's interesting to see, I feel like the reaction in our community. It felt like, oh, people were like, oh, I can do that too, then. And that's where, it's like representation really does work. And also it's dope that we, you know, that young people have like, access, you know, to stuff, to more stuff than we did.

Meklit: so much more than we did. Oh god.

Xenia: I’m just like wow. Like how my life, I wonder like how my life would've been different, you know, if I had access. Right? When you're in the, when you're growing up in that small town or where you're growing up in that, like whatever city, and you don't have anybody that you feel like looks like you, that likes the thing that you like. You feel kind of like, where are my peoples? Where are my peoples? You know? It's, yeah, special. It's special to be able to, to build community that way.

The album is Una Rosa by Xenia Rubinos. And seriously, if you have a chance to see her live show, do not miss it. 

Movement is produced by Ian Coss and myself, Meklit Hadero. Our co-creator and podcast godmother is Julie Caine. Our broadcast partner is The World. We are supported by the Mellon Foundation, the National Geographic Society and distributed by PRX.